Shit Food Bloggers Say

Anonymous asked: I want to send Anderson Cooper a "Happy Coming Out!" dessert, but I'm having trouble figuring out what to make. I'll need something that travels well via UPS, but that still arrives looking as fresh, fabulous and stunningly exclusive as he always does. Any ideas?

Here’s what you have to ask yourself…

Are you really prepared to meet the gaze of Anderson’s steely blue eyes? Much like Lot’s wife, if your soul is filled with sin and longing, you will turn to a pillar of grey salt when you look into his eyes. Life has a funny way of greeting you with shit you are not prepared to deal with, and this includes passing Anderson on the opposite escalator leading down to Whole Foods in the Time Warner Center in Columbus Circle. He’s bringing up lunch, wearing a perfectly too tight t-shirt. You are wearing a stupidly corporate alternative ensemble which says “Sure, I have a day job, but my passion is food and Instagrams, not necessarily in that order.” And his perfect eyes meet yours and in an instance you realize you are a goddamn fraud.

Anderson knows this with one look, and you feel naked and exposed and not in a sexy “everyone knows my safe word” sort of way. He knows. You know. You are a shattered vessel of emptiness and longing. And you are shamed and saddened in a way that feels like you were left on the steps of a nunnery and they loved you and beat you and caressed you and slammed your head into your desk. And you were home.

Anderson can feel it. And your every fiber vibrates with shame and anticipation and a deep desire for fudgy brownies.

And so. You should send Andersen a lovely container of grey salt. And a brownie from Bouchon Bakery from the third floor of Columbus Circle.

And then you should run as fast as you can to no where in particular. And be glad you ended at the very spot your lungs said no more. Because that is home. 

And that is your new truth.