Shit Food Bloggers Say

Here’s a little secret that you won’t give a shit about.

Over the past eight weeks I’ve tried to tweet in a way that makes me lose followers. Not every tweet, but generally, it was a “no tweet barred” approach that was meant to see what happens when I try to make people unfollow me.

My tweets were aggressive, offensive, stupidly sexual, and rage-filled.

Why? Do you see how people act on Twitter? OMG. It’s horrible. The worst. Senseless bullshit that is essentially someone’s crazy internal monologue that indicates he or she needs help. But people still follow. No one says anything or does much of anything (or so I thought). I was fascinated by the abuse we allow ourselves to take from people on social medial, those who have developed a need to abuse us with a relentless stream of awful. At least that was my perception.

The result? A net gain of followers in total but about 1.4 followers for every 1 unfollow. The thing I learned is that I was wrong. Many people won’t stand for the abuse. They get sick of it and move on. So good for them.

If you’re still following me, you’re stronger than you can possibly imagine.

Or you have muted me.

Whichever. Cool.

CHINA JUST BOUGHT PAULA DEEN. reuters.com/article/2013/0…

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 29, 2013

• Cakes [whole]
• Brisket
• Corn [sweet]
• Green Beans [whole, with pointy ends snapped off]
• Lettuces [all of them]
• Meringue [soft]
• Macarons [strawberry only]
• Kohlrabi
• Pie [slice]
• Lamb [leg, roasted]
• Garlic [head]

Edit - I always walk around with a wedge of brie in my ass. Most people know this. It is how I live my every day.

At some point you have to look at all your props and realize you’re leaving your children a legacy of dented metal and small plates.

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 9, 2013

When you die, there’s gonna be some nasty fights over that one spoon you use in all your photos.

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 9, 2013

Your child at your funeral - “My [mom/dad] was…*sob*…a food blogger. *sob* This was [his/her]…DSLR.” (Collapses on your coffin)

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 9, 2013

So these the real #JBFAs, and Friday night was like the technical awards that no one cares about at the Oscars.

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 6, 2013

Prediction - I will be thanked by no less than three chefs at tonight’s #JBFA awards.

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 6, 2013

OMG there are a bunch of famous chefs in NYC RIGHT NOW!!!! #JBFA

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 6, 2013

It’s so nice to see all these chefs at the #JBFA since you never see them in the fucking restaurants they own. #busy

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 6, 2013

I love seeing chefs awkwardly bro it up. #JBFA #KillMe

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 6, 2013

Professional chef fuckers were bused in to service the del posto team. #jbfa #me #AllTheHoles

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

#jbfa streaming in one window. Fisting video in the other. One shows respect for boundaries. The other has chefs.

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

Must really suck to be a chef who wasn’t invited to the #jbfa since they invited pretty much everyone.

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

They shoot you if you lose a #jbfa. Seriously. You die. #Hopeful

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

BREAKING: nobody gives a fuck. #jbfa

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

So the #jbfa is like Yelp with medals?

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

#jbfa + Hunger Games. #NextYear

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

America really cares about your #jbfa. That’s all they’re going to talk about tomorrow.

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

A chef whose food you will never eat won a #jbfa today. Your life is pointless.

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

The hashbrown guy at your local Waffle House deserves a goddamn #jbfa. #smothered #respect

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

The @lebernardinny service staff gives hand jobs to all the #jbfa winners. They execute flawlessly.

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

The #jbfa ends with a beautiful bukkake sesh by the winners on the grave of the Beard. It’s breathtaking.

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

White people winning on the backs of their Hispanic kitchen staff is what the #jbfa is all about. #America

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

WHITE PEOPLE!!!! #jbfa

— ShitFoodBlogger (@shitfoodblogger)

May 7, 2013

You know how when you’re really tired and can barely stand and the last thing you want to do is cook?

And then you tweet about it and people are all like “Awww, I’d come over and make you dinner!!! :)”

You know what, no.

That is fucking sick. 

Stay the fuck out of my misery. I earned this shit I’m swimming in, barely keeping my nose above my grease+cloudy water filth. And if you think for one second I’d let you in my house to do your so-called “cooking,” you are one dumb motherfucker. 

THIS.

SHIT.

IS.

MINE.

Go have children or something so you can force your empathy on someone. Stoopid fuck.

Mom called me from work today. She said she wanted me to make something different for dinner tonight.

Mom: It’s just that I think we need to eat something more than quinoa. 

Me: So you don’t like my quinoa????

Mom: Of course I do. You know I do.

Me: Because it sounds like you don’t like my quinoa.

Mom: I do. You do some incredible things with it. Really, I love it.

Me: So we’ll have quinoa.

Mom: I thought I could make dinner tonight.

*Silence*

Me: Why are you so filled with hate that everyone around you wants to die?

*Silence*

Me (quietly): You know why Dad left. YOU KNOW WHY. Now you shut your mouth and don’t you dare step foot in my kitchen. Because if you do, I will take it as a violation of the sanctity of my domain, and as punishment, I will make you drive me to Whole Foods and I will hold your hand as I guide you over to the bulk grain section and I will QUIZ THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR STUPID BRAIN AS TO EACH GRAIN’S LIKELIHOOD TO IRRITATE MY BOWEL. SO IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT, MOM, THEN GET READY TO HEAR ME DETAIL THE INTENSITY OF MY SHITS.

#redquinoa

Mom and I are sharing a bed now. She’s moved in with me because of the “quinoa incident” that rang in 2013. I don’t have a couch, and she refuses to buy an aerobed thing because she has a terrible fear of Bed Bath & Beyond. #geneticfear

I hate my mother. She also hates me. 

She moves too much in bed.

She uses three pillows to prop up her apneatic head, which I really think is more a power play than a therapeutic decision.

She smells like death. I think I am breathing in death at night.

I’ve never felt more alone than with my mother beside me, snoring.

#muffins

From the horribly conceived “Piglet Tournament of Cookbooks 2013” on the otherwise wonderful food52.com, the opening paragraph:

“Cosentino and Bloomfield are both known for muscular, meaty cooking that elevates all the lesser bits of the animal. In their new books, A Girl and Her Pig (Bloomfield) and Beginnings: My Way to Start a Meal (Cosentino), both pay tribute to Italian culinary traditions, filtered through personal experience and enthusiasms. And that’s basically where the similarities between these books end.”

-Adam Sachs

But your know, let’s create a false direct competition between these two books for some stupid reason that hurts the authors of the “losing” books. Having thoughtful writers dig into these books isn’t a cover for the shittiness of what you’re doing.

What is normally a very supportive site to authors, food52 is gunning for clicks with controversy. It’s depressing and desperate. 

Please stop this silliness now. It’s embarrassing and cheap. And I know embarrassing and cheap.

I have a beautiful spreadsheet showing all of my tweets, their respective favstar count, and RTs. 

I have pivot tables because I know how to do fucking pivot tables. My mom doesn’t even know what that means. She’s constantly disappointing me.

I have the same type of spreadsheets for Ree and Jaden. I didn’t bother with Elise yet, but I’ll get to her. I feel like I’ll never be better than Ree, and Jaden just did her second book. I didn’t get a preview copy but whatever. She also has pretty hair, so I hate her. 

But I can totally take Elise.