Shit Food Bloggers Say

I can smell my soul when I cook.
Ask me anything! I know a lot!

How to Lose and Win on Twitter

Here’s a little secret that you won’t give a shit about.

Over the past eight weeks I’ve tried to tweet in a way that makes me lose followers. Not every tweet, but generally, it was a “no tweet barred” approach that was meant to see what happens when I try to make people unfollow me.

My tweets were aggressive, offensive, stupidly sexual, and rage-filled.

Why? Do you see how people act on Twitter? OMG. It’s horrible. The worst. Senseless bullshit that is essentially someone’s crazy internal monologue that indicates he or she needs help. But people still follow. No one says anything or does much of anything (or so I thought). I was fascinated by the abuse we allow ourselves to take from people on social medial, those who have developed a need to abuse us with a relentless stream of awful. At least that was my perception.

The result? A net gain of followers in total but about 1.4 followers for every 1 unfollow. The thing I learned is that I was wrong. Many people won’t stand for the abuse. They get sick of it and move on. So good for them.

If you’re still following me, you’re stronger than you can possibly imagine.

Or you have muted me.

Whichever. Cool.

A Person I Don't Hate: @KimFosterNYC 

Kim Foster. She is smart and fearless and vulnerable.

She has two eBooks you should buy because they are smart and fearless and vulnerable.

The writing in them is (brave, fearless, vulnerable), I mean. The eBooks aren’t sentient, so they don’t have feelings.

But they’re so well written that they feel alive. 

Go follow Kim.

I don’t hate her.

why THE FUCK did no one tell me Ina had a frozen food line???

fuck all y’all.

theveryinstantthatisawyou asked: I use a P&S camera and I'm on the fence about calling myself a "photographer" in my Twitter and Pinterest profiles. Thoughts?

Well, we all know P&S stands for Piece of Shit, because we are stupid and like to feel bad about ourselves.

Here’s what I tell people who worry about the difference between being a photographer and someone who takes pictures.

A photographer is…

  • Someone who is attempting to tell a story or express an idea or convey an emotion.
  • Aware that what is left out of the frame is often more important than what is inside.
  • Is accountable for the bias brought to the photo’s perspective because she/he hit the button thingy that makes the shutter go and boom there is a picture.
  • Is honest with her/himself that the photo does not represent truth, but a constrained version of what could be true. 
  • Knows that a photo is only the essence of the experience of the moment but tries desperately to capture the experience as fully as is possible.
  • Sees beauty in the flaws of a photo.
  • Understands that tightly controlling the environment around a photo presents its own possibilities as does standing on the busiest street corner. 
  • Feels a sense of urgency when holding a camera.

Someone who takes pictures is my mom. 

And she is horrible.

So you are a photographer, because you are not my mother.

Mom. Leo.

Mom:
Are you going to see Gatsby?
Me:
Yes. Obvs.
Mom:
I remember when you read that in high school.
Me:
I remember when you told me you hated me when I was 15.
Mom:
OK, enjoy your movie.

How I hold on to hope in the midst of ceaseless pain.

Food I Have Fucked

  • Cakes [whole]
  • Brisket
  • Corn [sweet]
  • Green Beans [whole, with pointy ends snapped off]
  • Lettuces [all of them]
  • Meringue [soft]
  • Macarons [strawberry only]
  • Kohlrabi
  • Pie [slice]
  • Lamb [leg, roasted]
  • Garlic [head]

Edit - I always walk around with a wedge of brie in my ass. Most people know this. It is how I live my every day.

Contemplating death as a food blogger

My James Beard Awards Round Up of My James Beard Award Tweets

empathy.

You know how when you’re really tired and can barely stand and the last thing you want to do is cook?

And then you tweet about it and people are all like “Awww, I’d come over and make you dinner!!! :)”

You know what, no.

That is fucking sick. 

Stay the fuck out of my misery. I earned this shit I’m swimming in, barely keeping my nose above my grease+cloudy water filth. And if you think for one second I’d let you in my house to do your so-called “cooking,” you are one dumb motherfucker. 

THIS.

SHIT.

IS.

MINE.

Go have children or something so you can force your empathy on someone. Stoopid fuck.

Dinner

Mom called me from work today. She said she wanted me to make something different for dinner tonight.

Mom: It’s just that I think we need to eat something more than quinoa. 

Me: So you don’t like my quinoa????

Mom: Of course I do. You know I do.

Me: Because it sounds like you don’t like my quinoa.

Mom: I do. You do some incredible things with it. Really, I love it.

Me: So we’ll have quinoa.

Mom: I thought I could make dinner tonight.

*Silence*

Me: Why are you so filled with hate that everyone around you wants to die?

*Silence*

Me (quietly): You know why Dad left. YOU KNOW WHY. Now you shut your mouth and don’t you dare step foot in my kitchen. Because if you do, I will take it as a violation of the sanctity of my domain, and as punishment, I will make you drive me to Whole Foods and I will hold your hand as I guide you over to the bulk grain section and I will QUIZ THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR STUPID BRAIN AS TO EACH GRAIN’S LIKELIHOOD TO IRRITATE MY BOWEL. SO IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT, MOM, THEN GET READY TO HEAR ME DETAIL THE INTENSITY OF MY SHITS.

#redquinoa

Mom and I are sharing a bed now. She’s moved in with me because of the “quinoa incident” that rang in 2013. I don’t have a couch, and she refuses to buy an aerobed thing because she has a terrible fear of Bed Bath & Beyond. #geneticfear

I hate my mother. She also hates me. 

She moves too much in bed.

She uses three pillows to prop up her apneatic head, which I really think is more a power play than a therapeutic decision.

She smells like death. I think I am breathing in death at night.

I’ve never felt more alone than with my mother beside me, snoring.

#muffins

More Information